


Um, What?

by saccharomyces_cerevisibae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: College au but only sort of, F/F, First Meetings, Freudian Slips, Humanstuck, POV Third Person, Rated teen for swearing and implied making out, Russian Translation Available, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, and let me emphasize again that rose is a Gay Mess, davekat mention, i just wanted a cheesy soulmate AU okay, kanaya is gorgeous and rose is a Gay Mess, really shitty literary analysis, rosemary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8780188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saccharomyces_cerevisibae/pseuds/saccharomyces_cerevisibae
Summary: Rosemary humanstuck soulmate AU where the first thing your soulmate says to you is tattooed somewhere on your body, though not everyone has words on them.Featuring Kanaya being gorgeous and awkward, Rose being a gay mess, and Dave being an annoying cagey brother.Link to Russian translation in the beginning notes.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Эм, что?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12520864) by [saturniade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturniade/pseuds/saturniade)



> saturniade translated this fic into Russian, and you can read it here https://ficbook.net/readfic/5312179 or here http://archiveofourown.org/works/12520864 !!!!

“Rooooooose. Rose. Rooose, come on, you’re not listening to me, you’re missin’ out on some sick beats. Like, terminally ill, they’re all signed up for experimental treatment procedures but shit’s still circling the drain and-”

Without looking up from her laptop, Rose cut Dave off mid-ramble, hardly even slouching to accommodate the sudden weight of her brother draped over her shoulders in a transparent demand for attention. “Dave, hush. I am trying to think.”

Dave snickered. “Bullshit, you’ve been facebook stalking that chick from the library.”

“Not stalking, research. This is a delicate matter and I can’t very well go charging in with all the grace and verbal regurgitation of a certain brother of mine,” Rose said, annoyed.

“Hey, I’ll have you know that my personality is graceful and buttery smooth, yesterday I got three girls’ phone numbers without breaking a sweat. I’ve been going on dates left and right, everyone wants a piece of this fine ass.”

Finally turning to look at Dave, Rose arched a scornful eyebrow and said, “Hmm, are you perhaps referring to the girls you have a group project with in your introductory paleontology class? Because I’ve met all of them and while I don’t like to assume, I am fairly certain of their sapphic tendencies. Would all these dates you’re referring to be with Karkat?”

Dave reddened. “What no, we just spend a lot of time watching movies together and then go get food in a totally platonic best bros kind of way, shit’s not like that.”

“Ah, I see, and that time he came over and I came home to find him spooning you while you both slept was also completely platonic. As were the hickies on your neck.”

“For the last time, those were bruises,” Dave said, blushing further until his ears and neck were completely red, “Totally not hickies, they were from getting hit by balls. Paintballs. I mean like not that there’s anything wrong with getting slapped in the neck with balls if that’s what you’re into I guess but I don’t think they’d be hard enough to leave a bruise, like maybe there’s some dude holding the world record for most rock solid balls and he uses them to slap people but Karkat’s my brofriend,  _ fuck _ I mean my boybro, best friend, and bros don’t slap bros with their testicles.”

“That was quite an explanation there, it’s interesting that you chose to fixate on-”

“SO ROSE,” Dave said, clamoring off of Rose and onto another section of the couch in a desperate attempt to avoid her specialized  wikipedia-brand psychoanalysis, “how about you tell me about this library chick, Papaya or whatever the fuck? Why can’t you just go introduce yourself and see if she says your words or whatever the fuck? Like, fuck, you actually  _ have _ words.” 

“We’ve been over this, I refuse to believe that they mean anything. If my soulmate is daft enough to reply “Um, what?” to whatever I have deigned to introduce myself with, then she cannot possibly be fated to spend her life with me. I trust my chances much more with someone who I can be sure spends time in an academic setting,” Rose huffed.

“Uh huh. And you’re just gonna spend your time stalking Kapaya until you can be sure that she’s intellectual enough for you?”

Turning back to her laptop, Rose said, “Her name is Kanaya, and I would prefer that you not butcher it. And she’s perfectly intelligent,  I’ve seen her reading a vast, if seemingly random, assortment of literature.”

Dave snickered and asked, “Have you seen her read Twilight? Because there’s no way you’d go this hard for a girl who isn’t at least a little bit into trashy vampire novels.”

Rose looked up from her laptop again to shoot a scathing look at Dave. “It was Anne Rice, and I’m certain I would still be interested had I not seen her reading it.”

“Ooh, into the old stuff. Sounds classy.”

“She is incredibly elegant and there is no possible way I can measure up,” Rose said, “My only chance is to woo her with my intellect, which is why I need get back to my research.”

For several minutes, there was a blessed silence in their shared apartment, until Dave snorted and said, “You’ve been staring at her profile picture for twenty minutes.”

“Research, Dave. Research.”

* * *

The following week was one of the most nerve wracking in Rose’s life, not that she would ever admit it. She had spotted Kanaya four times, attempted to approach her six times, and actually stood in front of her for several long seconds, opening and closing her mouth like a fish, before hurrying away. 

Kanaya, to Rose’s relief, seemed not to notice any of this. Throughout Rose’s troubles, she appeared completely absorbed in the various random seeming books she kept in stacks next to her. Every so often, she pulled out a spiral notebook and made careful comments in it, brows furrowed and lower lip between her teeth.

This, to Rose’s chagrin, was incredibly attractive and only made it more difficult to pluck up the courage to introduce herself.

After five agonizing days of this, Rose began to approach Kanaya, half expecting (and half hoping) to go unnoticed again. 

Kanaya looked up.

For a good five seconds, the only thing Rose was capable of thinking was  _ I’m so gay _ as Kanaya, perfect lovely Kanaya, fixed her beautiful eyes on Rose’s incredibly red face. Immediately, the perfectly rehearsed and incredibly thought through analysis connecting all the books she had seen Kanaya reading was scrambled to the point of incoherence.

Kanaya’s (lovely perfect) brows began to furrow again, and in a panic, Rose blurted out, “HelloI’mRoseand _ fuck _ um the way that Anne Rice uses vampires to identify the monsters within ourselves was incredibly interesting at the time especially considering the fact that vampires until that point had been antagonists and thus considered purely evil, which brings up an interesting question about the development of her psyche, I mean to be sympathizing with monsters this much there had to be some sort of event in her lifetime that enamored her so much with them, especially considering her background in christianity although it could be opposite the situation of H. P. Lovecraft and his fear of the ocean that drove him to cast tentacled monsters as the ultimate horrors in his various works, perhaps Rice had positive encounters with the occult or stories of vampires in her childhood which certainly could have shaped her writing style much in the same way that James Joyce was heavily burdened with guilt following his mother’s death and incorporated themes of Catholicism death and alcohol into his major works but _ fuck _ I’vebeentalkingtoomuch ANYWAY what do you think about all that?”

Rose stood vibrating with nervous tension, her entire face and neck blushing madly, as Kanaya slowly reached up and removed earbuds frum under her hijab.

“Um, what?” she asked, looking vaguely alarmed and concerned for Rose’s wellbeing.

Rose stood dumbstruck, frozen in place and attempting to say anything at all.

“I... what... you, you said,  _ fuck _ I mean, I... Hi, I’m Rose.”

Something seemed to click in Kanaya’s eyes; carefully and deliberately, she said, “Hello I’m Rose and fuck um the way that Anne Rice uses vampires to identify the monsters within ourselves was incredibly interesting?” 

Weakly, Rose nodded.

Still speaking slowly, Kanaya continued, “And you wanted to know what I think about the collective works of Anne Rice, H. P. Lovecraft, and James Joyce, in relation to the various theories of Sigmund Freud?”

“Perhaps,” Rose choked out.

“Well then,” said Kanaya, “I think that they are impossible to get through, despite dedicating hours upon hours of study to the subject due to this,” she trailed off, gesturing to the back of her hand. Across her knuckles, the words “Hello I’m Rose and fuck” were printed, the rest of Rose’s nervous babbling presumably continuing up her arm (most likely all the way to her shoulder) under her sleeve.

For a second, Rose couldn’t help but stare at those five fateful words printed across Kanaya’s hand before bursting into laughter and yanking her own sleeve up to reveal “Um, What?” in considerably larger font across her own forearm.

At this, Kanaya joined in laughing with her, until they both earned scathing looks from other people in the library. 

“May I?” Rose asked, grinning widely and extending her arm.

“Yes, you may,” Kanaya said, smiling just as much and shaking Rose’s hand, “Hello, I’m Kanaya.”

“You may already know this,” Rose said, “But just to be sure, I’ll say it again. Hello, I’m Rose.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it! I really wanted a cheesy soulmate AU with Rosemary but I couldn't find too many, and I had this idea so I went with it! Let me know what you think!!  
> Also, Rose's literary babble is intentionally shitty because she basically skimmed the wikipedia pages of all the books and authors that she saw Kanaya reading in an attempt to research before going back to facebook stalking her. Coincidentally, I too skimmed the wikipedia pages of these authors in order to write what really is a terrible and nonsensical analysis.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Эм, что?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12520864) by [saturniade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturniade/pseuds/saturniade)




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